Death

Death really puts things in perspective. It really makes you think about what you could've done differently. How you could've visited more, called more, apologized first even though you did nothing wrong.

The last time I talked to my Grandma was when I was telling her I was pregnant with Jack. The only thing she said was "well, are you happy?" No congrats or anything. This really upset me. My Grandma was there for me throughout my pregnancy with Sienna and lived with us for months after Sienna was born to help me take care of her. So hearing her ask that really hurt me.

When my mom called my Grandpa after hearing that my Grandma was in the hospital, he made a comment about my siblings and I never really being there and taking them for granted. On that side of my family I have only 6 cousins. Stephanie and Brett lived with my Grandparents for the majority of their childhood. And when they werent living in the same house, they were still in the same city. Landon, Cohen and Grayson lived here in Phoenix and my Aunt and Uncle would fly my Grandma out here for months at a time to help take care of them. My Grandparents ended up buying a condo right down the street from them, not us. And little Mackenzie is only two. My Aunt Michelle was often up in CO visiting or my Grandma was down in Provo to visit them. My siblings and I were always very busy. Football, Volleyball, Cheer, Gymnastics, you name it. Being into these sports didnt always allow us to travel during the summers liike most families. So of course we couldnt visit our grandparents like we probably should've. I know this now. We shouldve made the time to make the trip. But on the other hand, they didnt make the effort either. I know it probably isnt fair to think that way.

I regret not making more of an effort to visit you in Colorado. I regret not making the 15 minute drive more often to your condo when you were here. I regret not calling you weekly to let you know that I love you, because I do. It was because of you Sienna and I have our red hair. Because of you I have my love of CareBears. I'm sorry I havent been a good granddaughter. I'm sorry I cant be there on Saturday for you. It breaks my heart. I feel like more of a failure than ever. I'm the only one who wont be there. I feel horrible. I'm a horrible person and life isnt fair.

May 22nd. A day that is supposed to be full of joy. The birth of my baby girl. That same baby girl that you stood by my side while I gave birth to her three years ago. That very same day, you will now be laid to rest.

I love you Grandma. Even though a lot of times it didnt seem that way. I love you so much and I am going to miss you everyday of my life. I wish so much that you couldve met your first Great Grandson and I hate that life took that joy from the both of you.

I love you and I will do my very best so that I may see you once again.