Death

Death really puts things in perspective. It really makes you think about what you could've done differently. How you could've visited more, called more, apologized first even though you did nothing wrong.

The last time I talked to my Grandma was when I was telling her I was pregnant with Jack. The only thing she said was "well, are you happy?" No congrats or anything. This really upset me. My Grandma was there for me throughout my pregnancy with Sienna and lived with us for months after Sienna was born to help me take care of her. So hearing her ask that really hurt me.

When my mom called my Grandpa after hearing that my Grandma was in the hospital, he made a comment about my siblings and I never really being there and taking them for granted. On that side of my family I have only 6 cousins. Stephanie and Brett lived with my Grandparents for the majority of their childhood. And when they werent living in the same house, they were still in the same city. Landon, Cohen and Grayson lived here in Phoenix and my Aunt and Uncle would fly my Grandma out here for months at a time to help take care of them. My Grandparents ended up buying a condo right down the street from them, not us. And little Mackenzie is only two. My Aunt Michelle was often up in CO visiting or my Grandma was down in Provo to visit them. My siblings and I were always very busy. Football, Volleyball, Cheer, Gymnastics, you name it. Being into these sports didnt always allow us to travel during the summers liike most families. So of course we couldnt visit our grandparents like we probably should've. I know this now. We shouldve made the time to make the trip. But on the other hand, they didnt make the effort either. I know it probably isnt fair to think that way.

I regret not making more of an effort to visit you in Colorado. I regret not making the 15 minute drive more often to your condo when you were here. I regret not calling you weekly to let you know that I love you, because I do. It was because of you Sienna and I have our red hair. Because of you I have my love of CareBears. I'm sorry I havent been a good granddaughter. I'm sorry I cant be there on Saturday for you. It breaks my heart. I feel like more of a failure than ever. I'm the only one who wont be there. I feel horrible. I'm a horrible person and life isnt fair.

May 22nd. A day that is supposed to be full of joy. The birth of my baby girl. That same baby girl that you stood by my side while I gave birth to her three years ago. That very same day, you will now be laid to rest.

I love you Grandma. Even though a lot of times it didnt seem that way. I love you so much and I am going to miss you everyday of my life. I wish so much that you couldve met your first Great Grandson and I hate that life took that joy from the both of you.

I love you and I will do my very best so that I may see you once again.

Pictures of Baby Jack

 

Just Click on collage to enlarge

He is finally here!!!

Okay I will post the story and then the pics in another post...

I was supposed to be induced on May 5th but the hospital didnt have any beds available. So Jeff and I went to bed and got a phone call at 1am asking if we could be there by 2am. We got ready and went to the hospital. I was checked in and got my IV put in. The nurse put the carvical gel in around 3:30am and at 4:30am we were walking the halls. At 5:30 I was put back into bed and checked. I was 3cm. I was put on Antibiotics for my gbs and by 7am I got my epidural. Around 8 the nurse checked me and I was a 6 and my water broke. Between 8 and 9 my Dr came in and said the pharmasist didnt listen to his instructions they gave me the wrong antibiotics. So my Dr fought and fought with him and I was started on my second dose of antibiotics. By noon, I was fully dialated but Jack was still pretty high. My nurse came in at 1 and checked again and his head was right there. She ran out of the room and grabbed my Dr before he went in to do a c-section on another patient. He got set up just in time.

Jack Christian was born on May 6th 2010 at 1:17pm. He weighed 8lbs 8oz and 20.5in long. He is absolutely perfect.

We wernt able to leave the hospital on Friday because Jack wasnt peeing. I had to supplement with formula. He is now peeing but still dehydrated so I have to pump my milk and bottlefeed. I am in a ton of pain. Found out yesterday that I have Edema which is a severe breast engorgement. I cant get any milk out of one breast. Its awful!! I just hope it doesnt ruin my milk supply. We are having to formula feed because with just one working boob I cant keep up with this hungry little man!! Only 6 days old and eating 2oz!!

Jeff went back to work today so I'm nervous to see how the day goes with just me and the two kids. So far so good but its only 9am!!

Tonight is a new chapter of our lives

Last week at my Dr appointment I was 1cm dialated and my cervix was good but not quite there yet. So we made the appointment for the induction and the Dr said that he would stretch me (owwww) and strip my membranes if I hadnt made any progress on my own. Well I had horrible contractions all day on Sunday and Monday so I was almost positive that I had dialated some more. I went into my Drs yesterday morning and I was 2cm dialated and my cervix was perfectly ready!!! So we are all set for the induction tonight. My Dr thinks that it will be a super easy and quick birth. I did test positive for Group B Strep so I have to be on antibiotics for 4 hours prior to delivery. I hear its totally common. Like 40% of all women test positive. I am just so excited and cannot wait to hold my little man! I will update again at the hospital!!